How to Be a Genuinely Good Listener

So, you’re trying to boost your emotional intelligence, but what does that entail? And is it even possible to get there without dedicating hours poring over self-help books or attending endless workshops?

The answer is a resounding “yes.” Although EQ has several dimensions, including self-awareness, emotional control, social awareness, emotional wellbeing and empathy, a thread runs through all of them—being a good listener. When you become genuinely good at listening, you naturally strengthen your connections, diffuse conflicts and can respond better to the emotions and impulses of those around you.

One of the most telling areas is in your work. The US Department of Labor includes active listening among the top soft skills that give job candidates a competitive edge in nearly every industry. Managers trained in active listening saw a 30% improvement in employee satisfaction, and the skill has been linked to increases in productivity and collaboration by up to 25%.

Your work, relationships with friends and family and even your relationship with yourself can  vastly improve if you’re a better listener, because you not only need listening skills to be more socially aware but also more self-aware. For instance, if you constantly deny your feelings, you may end up lashing out at loved ones and co-workers because you haven’t identified what’s bothering you and how to address it. When you listen attentively to others, you’re not just picking up on their words, but also tuning in to your own reactions, biases and emotions in the moment. This awareness of your internal landscape is the foundation of self-awareness, and the following strategies can help you learn how to do it.

Curious about your emotional intelligence? Take our quick Emotional intelligence (EQ) test to discover your strengths and start improving your skills today.

Practice Giving Your Full, Undivided Attention

In an era where screens, media and noise bombard and distract you, it’s increasingly important to give people your full, undivided attention. So put your phone down, stop thinking about where you’re going for lunch, and allow yourself to truly tune into what someone is saying. When you give your full attention, it subconsciously signals to the other person that their words and opinions matter.

This will take practice. But the next time you’re conversing with your boss, significant other or friend, try emptying your mind of everything else. Listen to what they’re saying, and employ important body language signals like making eye contact, smiling, nodding and keeping your arms open (uncrossed) to convey that you’re fully engaged. Tuning in like this will help you pick up on the emotional nuances in their voice and expressions, giving you a better understanding of what they’re saying and what they’re feeling and directly strengthening the "other awareness" facet of emotional intelligence.

Try to Understand Someone’s Point of View 

While it isn’t always easy to understand someone’s point of view, especially if it opposes your own, you can better pick up on a person’s intentions when you’re actively listening. Just hearing what someone is saying is a passive action—their words might register, but the meaning behind them can easily slip by. By making the effort to really understand where someone is coming from, you can build respect for their opinion, even if you disagree. 

To understand someone’s point of view, listen to what they are saying and ask yourself three questions: 

• Is this person wanting advice, or do they want to vent? 
• Are they trying to connect with you, or are they just trying to process their feelings?
• Is there any immediate common ground or shared interest you can identify, even if your views differ?

It’s okay to ask questions for clarification. If you are uncertain about their intent, try asking, “It sounds like you’re feeling disappointed or hurt. Am I correct?” or “You sound like you’re having a hard time. Is there something I can do to help you? Do you want advice?” These questions will make the other person feel seen and valued, and remove any misunderstandings. 

Don’t Direct the Conversation Back to You 

It’s human instinct to want to share our own knowledge and experiences but sometimes, bringing the conversation back to you isn’t the best approach. If the person you’re talking to is discussing something important or trying to convey that something is bothering them, take a moment to think before speaking. 

Avoid the urge to jump to, “You know, the same thing happened to me last week.” This redirection can leave the person on the receiving end feeling like you don’t value what they have to say, and instead prefer to talk about yourself. Wait until this person has finished sharing their story, and only then ask them questions about it. Now you can gauge if it’s appropriate to interject your anecdotes into the conversation. 

Ask Meaningful Questions 

Sometimes the easiest way to show you’re listening is to ask meaningful, open-ended questions. This could be as easy as asking, “So what happened next?” or “I noticed you mentioned [insert statement]. What was that experience like for you?” If the conversation is more serious or emotionally-charged, you can also use the meaningful-questions technique to better understand what the person needs from you. Ask questions like, “That must have been tough. How did that affect you?” or “Is there something you need from me right now?”

Meaningful questions are an excellent tool when dating, especially when used as a follow-up to the usual first date conversation starters. When building rapport on a date, aim to ask thoughtful questions that encourage your date to open up, such as “Which music album was the most influential for you and why?” or “What was an experience that changed your perspective while traveling?” You’ll learn more about your date and also create a conversational space where both people feel heard and valued.

Don’t Always Jump to Fixing a Situation 

If you’re a solutions-oriented personality, your first instinct may be to “fix” a problem someone is sharing with you. This is helpful when the other person wants to brainstorm solutions, but less so when they want someone to listen, and listen well.

The best approach here is an empathetic one. Instead of immediately offering advice, focus first on acknowledging their feelings and letting them know you’re there to support them, even if all they need is a listening ear. Try statements like:

• “I’m sorry you’re struggling with this.”
• “That sounds like a tough situation.”
• “I appreciate that you’re trusting me with this information.”

These statements may seem trite, but they signal to the other person that you’re empathetic to their situation. As a rule, you may want to avoid offering advice unless someone asks you for it.

Think Before You Speak

Active listening requires that you genuinely consider your responses to steer the conversation in a positive direction, instead of blurting out the first thing that pops into your mind. So, for example, if someone says something triggering, take a breath and count to five in your head. Doing so will give you time to reflect before reacting. Then, when you’re ready, say something like, “It sounds like you meant this [insert statement], but I want to be sure of your intention. Is that what you meant by that?” 

Even if the conversation is friendly and upbeat, it’s still important to think before you speak. You might be missing an opportunity to go deeper into the conversation if you say what first comes to mind. Again, pause to formulate a well-thought-out response that helps bolster the connection rather than letting the conversation go wherever the wind blows.

Stay Present Instead of Planning Your Reply

It’s easy to drift into thinking about your own response while someone else is speaking, especially if you want to make a good impression or say something meaningful. But when you’re preoccupied with planning your reply, you miss valuable details and emotional cues in the conversation.

Instead, shift your focus fully onto the person speaking. If you’re on a date and catch yourself rehearsing your answer before the other person has finished talking, gently remind yourself to listen first. Let the conversation unfold without rushing to formulate your reply.

When the person is done sharing, take a breath and allow yourself a moment to think. It’s perfectly fine to pause before responding—just say, “Let me think about that for a second.” 

Pausing will help you frame your thoughts so they fit the flow of the conversation, making for a smoother, more engaging dialogue.

The Takeaway 

Good listening is an essential EQ skill that strengthens every part of life, from relationships to networking to your own self-awareness. When you practice truly tuning in, you avoid misunderstandings, build trust and respond with empathy instead of impulse.

Practice the above tips to help you learn to listen actively, rather than passively. Once you do, you’ll notice that you feel more connected to others. And maybe even yourself.