Are You Suffering from Good Girl Syndrome?

Picture this: there's an argument busting out at work and you're twisting into a pretzel trying to make everyone happy. Your co-worker tells you that you should keep your opinions to yourself, so you shut down and stop contributing to the conversation. Your boss gets upset because they were relying on your input, so now you're trying to make it up to them by overworking and taking on extra tasks. 

And your boyfriend thinks you should 'smile more', because it's not attractive when you're so serious all the time.

If you’re perpetually going out of your way to please others at the expense of pleasing yourself, you could be suffering from “Good Girl Syndrome.” While it might make their lives easier, it's definitely not making yours any better.  So how do you break out of this people-pleasing pattern and start living life on your own terms?

What Is Good Girl Syndrome?

Good Girl Syndrome refers to the tendency for women to prioritize the needs and desires of others over their own. This often stems from societal expectations that women should be agreeable, kind, compliant and accommodating, with an excessive focus on the approval of other people, even those not closely connected to us.

While it’s good to be a good person, Good Girl Syndrome is an unhealthy way to think and live.

First, the word "girl" in the term is problematic. It puts a woman in a childlike role and implies their behavior should be blindly obedient and directed by others. The very idea of an adult woman aspiring to be a “good girl” gives other people excessive power over her choices and self-identity, requiring her to behave in a way that serves other people, even if that isn’t good for her.

Second, constantly trying to please others can have negative effects on your self-worth, and even affect your relationships. For example, if you always defer to the demands of friends, family or a romantic partner, you may find yourself feeling drained and resentful, leading to conflict and tension in the relationship.

It may even cause you to sell yourself short in your career. Not standing up for yourself at work, whether by saying 'no' to excessive demands or speaking what's on your mind, can limit your professional growth or cause burn out. If you're not charging what you should or demanding recognition that you’ve earned, you will end up underpaid, under-promoted and undervalued. How can you feel happy in a job with all that resentment and frustration?

Signs You Have Good Girl Syndrome

Recognizing Good Girl Syndrome in yourself can be the first step toward reclaiming your autonomy and well-being. The signs can be subtle or glaringly obvious, but they often manifest in various aspects of your life. Here are some common indicators that you might be prioritizing others' needs over your own:

• People-pleasing behavior. You’ll say or do almost anything to make others happy and gain their approval, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable or goes against your own values and beliefs.
• Inability to say no. Take on two extra projects at work that require continual overtime? No problem. Bake a five-layer cake from scratch for the school bake sale–after you get home from your 12-hour day? Of course. Act like you’re happy while always doing more? Obviously.
• Avoidance of conflict at all costs. You’d rather stay silent and swallow your feelings than speak up, even if it means being taken advantage of or ignored.
• Difficulty setting boundaries. You don't want to disappoint anyone, so you rarely say no or assert your limits when others make unreasonable demands on your time and energy.
• Overperforming, especially as defined by the expectations of others. You don't want to let people down, so you try to be the perfect employee, parent, child, homemaker, neighbor and friend. You feel there’s little room to be anything less from what others expect.

Is Being a Good Girl Just My Personality?

That actually is a difficult question to answer. While Good Girl Syndrome depends a great deal on your upbringing, environment, culture and other influences, there are some personality types that may be more likely to suffer from it. But that doesn’t mean that everyone of that type will suffer from Good Girl Syndrome, or that it’s not a learned behavior. 

In the 16-type system, the types that naturally display the most "Good Girl" behavior are Feeling-Perceivers (INFP, ISFP, ENFP and ESFP) and Sensor-Judgers (ISTJ, ISFJ, ESTJ and ESFJ), although they do so in very different ways and for very different reasons:

Feeling-Perceivers tend to value harmony and empathy highly, but can be reluctant to challenge others because they want to avoid conflict. These mediator types have a strong desire to be liked, and can be at risk of absorbing other people’s moods, desires and attitudes when they don't establish proper boundaries. They can also take negative feedback very harshly, feeling like they failed as “good” people—yes, even ESFPs, who can be very vulnerable to criticism.

Sensor-Judgers are the most likely to want to fulfill their responsibilities and meet social expectations. They may feel that it’s their duty or obligation to do so, even if it requires putting themselves last. People who identify with these types may be more offended by the negative judgments of others than any other group. Even strong-willed ESTJs can be thrown off course by a disapproving glance from someone they respect.

Breaking Out of Good Girl Syndrome

Breaking out of Good Girl Syndrome requires recognizing it in ourselves and acknowledging that it may have some benefits, but ultimately does more harm than good.  Here are some strategies you can use to start standing up for yourself:

• Start asking yourself what you really want out of life and the kind of person you want to be. Maybe think back to what your dreams and values were when you were younger, before the world’s expectations took you away from that version of yourself. Taking a personality test can also remind you of who you are capable of being at your best—not as a good girl, but as an authentic individual with your own unique strengths and desires.
• Ask a friend who knows you well how you’ve changed. Do they remember you as someone who was more passionate, independent or confident? What happened to that person? Your friend’s insights can help you track down the things about yourself that got lost in trying to be a good girl.
• Set boundaries and learn to say 'no'. This is a huge step. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but it's important to start doing things on your own terms without over-explaining why you're doing it. You have the right to protect yourself, your time and your energy.
• Find good role models. Is there someone in your life who seems to effortlessly balance their own needs without being selfish or self-centered? Ask them how they learned to stand up for themselves. You may find that they learned the hard way, too.