How to Stand Up to Coworkers Who Walk All Over You
It’s good to be nice, right? Acts of kindness make the workplace better for everyone. Being nice can help avoid unnecessary arguments, make teams run smoother, and create a warm, welcoming environment where people want to work. Being nice might even be the secret to living a happy life, according to research.
But being nice can have consequences. Every workplace has its share of people who won’t think twice about walking all over you, if you let them.
You don’t have to let them. You shouldn’t let them. Being nice does not mean being a pushover—here's how to draw the line.
How to Tell If Someone’s Taking Advantage of You
If someone is seriously taking advantage of you, you will know it. Co-workers who always ask you to finish what they started, or the boss who expects you to work nights and weekends, are hard to miss.
At the other end of the spectrum, what seems like you're being taken advantage of can often be a simple misunderstanding. For example, an extravert may not understand that her introverted colleagues sometimes need their space and may demand too much of their time and attention. Misunderstandings like this can often be fixed with a five-minute conversation.
The gray area in the middle is where things get tricky. In these situations, you may not be sure if someone is taking advantage of you or not. Here are some signs that you may be dealing with a co-worker who isn’t respecting boundaries:
- They regularly ask you to take over some of their duties, even though they don’t seem all that busy.
- They're always asking you to change shifts with them, but they have a thousand excuses if you ask them to help you out when you’re in a bind.
- They play on your sympathies with stories about their family troubles or about having a migraine, and try to make you feel guilty if you say ‘no’ to their requests.
- They think nothing of interrupting you when they need something, even when you’re clearly busy.
- They ignore your input during meetings or team sessions, forcing you to go along with their ideas even when you’re sure you have a better approach.
- Despite the fact that they are your peers and not your manager, they feel free to openly criticize your work.
- They indirectly take credit for your work by not mentioning your contributions.
Does any of this sound familiar? If so, it means there are serious issues that need to be addressed. By you if at all possible, and maybe by your manager if you can’t solve the problem on your own.
Setting Boundaries: The Dos and the Don’ts
The following recommendations are all designed to help you set boundaries. This means letting others know what kind of treatment you find acceptable and what kind of behavior you find out of bounds, while making it clear that ignoring your boundaries will no longer be considered acceptable. More simply, it means establishing your right to say ‘yes’ only when you want to, and ‘no’ when you don’t.
Talk it out, individually and privately
The last thing you want to do is make a public scene when confronting them about their behavior. And you don't want to confront multiple people at once either, since this will make it easier for them to collectively brush you off.
Make it a dialogue, not a lecture
You aren’t doing this because you need to vent or lash out. The idea is to have a meaningful dialogue about how you’d like to see your relationship with this person evolve, so it will be more productive and more balanced.
Stay cool and calm
Speak openly and honestly about your feelings and about what you would like to see change. If you start getting overly emotional, it can make the other person uncomfortable or defensive. This can sabotage your attempt to have a truly constructive conversation.
Be diplomatic
Let them know you realize they haven’t been intentionally taking advantage of you or hurting your feelings (this is what it means to be diplomatic). Starting this way will disarm them, and leave them more open to really listening to what you have to say.
Be specific and detailed
Let them know precisely what has been bothering you, and illustrate the case you’re making with examples. If you are too vague they may not understand the true nature of your grievances, or understand exactly what you expect from them.
Customize your response to their personality
Some people prefer a blunt and straightforward approach to problem-solving. Others are sensitive to being criticized and have to be handled more delicately. While you may not know your co-workers’ exact personality types, any insights you have about their traits or preferences could help you customize your message to get a more empathetic response.
Don’t give them much time to act
Make it clear that you expect to see changes right away, from that moment on. You've established your boundaries, so that is a perfectly reasonable expectation.
Don’t let yourself be patronized
If the co-worker you’re confronting starts to talk down to you, or gaslights you by telling you you're being "oversensitive," cut them off immediately. You deserve to be taken seriously. Let them know, as politely as possible, that you aren’t interested in listening to their nonsense.
Going to Management, and Being a Doormat No More!
Going to management with your complaints is the logical move if your efforts to work things out don’t get the result you want. Go in prepared with a list of the incidents that have made you feel anxious, disrespected or overburdened. If you discover that others have the same complaints about certain co-workers, go speak to management together, since there is always strength in numbers.
Don't worry that going to management is too drastic or likely to cause hard feelings. That is not your problem, as it is only your feelings that you really need to worry about. Their job is to make sure everyone is comfortable, and that includes you.
Bottom line? No one does their best work when others are walking all over them. So put an end to it and stand your ground. You'll be happier, more respected, and better able to do the job you were hired for.
