Ghosted in Slo-Mo – Which Personality Types Won’t Let Go After Tik-Tok’s ‘Penny Method’?

You meet someone and it feels like the start of something real. They’re attentive, affectionate and genuinely excited to build a connection—texting you “good morning,” planning thoughtful dates, showing up in all the right ways. But then, things start to shift. The messages get shorter, the effort drops off, and suddenly you’re the one keeping things going. What happened to the person who seemed all-in?

At this point, you might want to pull an Ariana Grande and say, “Thank you, next.” But if you stick around, hoping they’ll come back to the relationship, you’re experiencing what TikTok calls “The Penny Method.” In simple terms, it’s when one person keeps investing in the relationship—adding “coins” to the jar—while the other barely contributes, giving less and less until there’s almost nothing left.

The Penny Method can show up as anything from a calculated, manipulative move to an unintentional slow fade. Doris Fullgrabe, MSc (Applied Psychology) and personality-based relationship coach, describes it as a strategic change in engagement levels—sometimes on purpose, sometimes not—with the “penny” metaphor inspired by the emotional bank account model from relationship therapists John and Julie Gottman.

But why do some people keep holding on in this one-sided situation? We talked to people who’ve been through it (names changed for privacy) and psychology experts to see if your personality type could be the reason. Here’s what we found.

When Love Fades One Penny at a Time: Samantha’s Story

For about two years, Samantha had a great friendship with Dave. They shared interests, clicked instantly, and turning their friendship into a relationship felt effortless. “The start was so easy. Before I knew it, seven years had passed—but our relationship had changed completely,” Samantha says.

She remembers the early years as “fun,” but by year three, things started to shift. “Maybe I was wearing rose-colored glasses for all the previous years, and I finally started to see life as it was—and who he was—with them off,” she reflects.

At first, it was just minor issues, but the relationship began to fade, little by little. “For as long as I stayed, the downfall came in a gradual fade,” she explains. Even as Samantha kept mental tabs on the growing imbalance, it took time to accept that she was the one making most of the emotional “deposits” in their relationship. Her small, consistent gestures of care weren’t matched and Dave just didn’t seem interested in putting in the same effort or maintaining their emotional bank account. “It seemed like I was fully capable of showing love and expressing emotions, but he was emotionally stunted, or maybe just unwilling, and could not process emotions on the same plane. Conversations and arguments went in circles, with no actual progress or healthy results,” she says.

Samantha tried everything to fix things: reaching out more, pulling back, rationalizing his behavior. “Some days I was anxiously waiting for him, other days, I withdrew and isolated myself, not wanting to have any contact with him or anyone. Sometimes I justified his behavior and blamed it on his difficult childhood or a bad day at work. Other days, I knew he was in the wrong, and I refused to forgive him, building the resentful wall that only pulled us further apart.”

She even tried confronting him in different ways—calm, angry, serious, emotional. Sometimes he’d apologize and seem to get it; other times, he just dug in his heels. Because he’d occasionally show understanding, Samantha kept hoping he’d finally change. But real change never came—until the day she finally decided she’d had enough.

The Sunk Costs of Love: Kiera’s Story

Like Samantha, Kiera found herself caught in the Penny Method during a nearly two-year relationship. At first, her boyfriend swept her off her feet with flowers, gentlemanly gestures, and a flood of compliments. “He was so unbelievably into me in the beginning, and he really seemed to put in effort that felt serious,” she recalls. “We were making plans far into the future, fairly early.”

Feeling secure in his enthusiasm, Kiera committed to the relationship. But things changed. “Unfortunately, I know I was a victim of love bombing. He invested a great deal at the beginning, but soon began to put in the minimal effort possible. He lived far from me, and as soon as I began to drive to him instead, he wouldn’t even bother making the trip to see me.”

Other shifts followed—he stopped paying for dinners and outings, avoided her family, and pulled back on compliments. The imbalance left Kiera feeling irritated, resentful and hurt. Eventually, drained and frustrated, she stopped investing too, and the relationship fizzled out.

Why Do We Keep Investing in a Relationship That’s Running on Pennies?

These stories are just a few among many. There’s the wife who puts up with a husband who’s checked out, the husband whose wife stays just for security, or the date who starts strong only to drop the ball and quit trying. 

Like Samantha and Kiera’s boyfriends, the partner who fades away usually starts out generous with their time, affection and energy, which Fullgrabe says may be “a rush of genuine interest, bolstered by the usual hormones and neurotransmitters that make ‘new relationship energy’ so intoxicating.” This initial investment, she says, “builds up trust and they ‘bank’ a lot of goodwill.”  

But why does the invested partner keep giving, long after the balance is gone?  Dr. David Simonsen, PhD, marriage and family therapist and owner of Creative Solutions Counseling, says it’s pretty simple: “When someone has put a lot of work into something, they don’t want to simply give it up.” So even as their partner loses interest, the one still invested may work even harder to win them back.

And what about the partner who’s checked out—why do they stick around? Simonsen says it’s often a mix of boredom and immaturity: “They [still] like being paid attention to by their partner.” Other experts point to other influences at play. Dr. Heather Sheets, a clinical psychologist, says that avoidant attachment styles can help explain why someone pulls away but doesn’t leave the relationship. Fullgrabe also points to conflict aversion, anxiety, people-pleasing and fear as reasons the less-invested partner might not end things.

Of course, personality type could also play a big role in why someone stays stuck in a lopsided relationship.

Are You Wired to Keep Investing? How the Big Five Personality Traits Play Into the Penny Method

Personality type can play a big role in why some people keep investing in a Penny Method relationship. When Samantha and Keira took a Big Five personality test, some patterns emerged. Both women had markedly high numbers in Openness, Conscientiousness and Agreeableness—well over 80% on the scale.

Our experts were not surprised by these results. Simonsen says, “People who are Agreeable are more likely to be people pleasers. They don’t want to rock the boat.” He explains that if you have higher Agreeableness and lower Extraversion (as Kiera), you “may be more inclined to value relationships and persevere through challenges.”

As for Conscientiousness, Fullgrabe says this trait could carry “a certain moral undertone, especially if you’re also religious and made marriage vows.”  Conscientiousness is the trait of responsibility, duty, reliability and steadiness. Fullgrabe says scoring high in this trait could create a tug-of-war between authenticity and obligation.

When it comes to Openness, the connection is less clear. People high in Openness are often imaginative, curious and willing to consider new perspectives. It’s possible that this trait makes someone more hopeful about a partner’s potential to change, or more willing to see possibilities in the relationship—even when the reality isn’t matching up. However, more research would be needed to say for sure.

What about Neuroticism?

Samantha and Kiera scored differently on the Big Five trait of Neuroticism, with Kiera scoring high and Samantha scoring low. Our experts say that Kiera’s higher Neuroticism level may have played a role in her decision to stay as long as she did. 

“With high Neuroticism, you may overanalyze your partner’s behavior, internalizing their disengagement as your failure, and feeling compelled to prove yourself worthy,” says Fullgrabe. But it’s a complex picture. One 1997 study suggests that high Neuroticism can actually prevent someone from committing emotionally. We’re just speculating here, but it would be interesting to see how the perpetrators of the Penny Method might score on Neuroticism—perhaps their own emotional volatility or avoidance plays a part in why they pull away in the first place.

While our tiny data sample of two is interesting, in reality Fullgrabe says that “experiences like starting or ending relationships happen to people of all types and traits.”  She says it is “most likely not a single one, but a constellation of several traits,” that keeps people stuck in the Penny Method dynamic, long after the returns are gone.

Why Attachment Styles Make the Penny Method So Hard to Escape

Attachment theory seeks to explain how and why we relate to others the way we do, and Dr. Heather Sheets puts a lot of emphasis on this when talking about the Penny Method.

“The Penny Method is like what happens after you get love bombed,” Sheets explains. “People are chasing the ‘I want someone to like me. I want someone to fall in love with me.’ And then they realize, after that, ‘Oh, there's a commitment expectation.’”

So where do attachment styles fit in? People with secure attachment usually develop healthy relationships, but Sheets says those caught in the Penny Method dynamic are more likely to have anxious attachment (where someone craves closeness and fears abandonment) or avoidant attachment (where someone feels uncomfortable with emotional intimacy and tends to withdraw). “It's a vicious cycle between someone avoidant and someone anxious because the anxious attachment person is going to work harder and harder and harder to try to get that initial full piggybank back, where the avoidant attachment person is going to just slowly withdraw more and more because they are typically uncomfortable with intimacy,” she says.

Fullgrabe agrees: “It’s very likely a repetition of earlier experiences, e.g., playing out relationship dynamics they witnessed in, or experienced from, their parents.” She also mentions Polyvagal Theory—a psychological theory that links the autonomic nervous system with behavioral regulation— noting that if you grew up in one-sided relationships, you may feel safer in them because you “never learned to communicate your needs or set boundaries, so [you] simply don’t know how to do it.”

Both Samantha and Kiera identify as having an anxious attachment style before and during their relationships. They are now working toward a secure attachment style.

How to Break Free from Penny Method Relationships

Getting out of a Penny Method relationship isn’t easy, especially when you’ve already poured in so much time, energy and care. But the first step is to honestly assess where you are and accept it. From there, here are some expert tips to help you move forward:

Reflect on your past patterns

Simonsen suggests asking yourself what this situation stirs up inside you: “People often tolerate bad behavior because it reminds them of something from their past.” Sheets adds that if you’ve been allowing your partner’s behavior, it’s time to rethink what you’re willing to accept and start drawing some lines in the sand.

Have honest conversations and seek support

Both Simonson and Sheets recommend talking openly with yourself, a therapist, family members or a trusted friend about how you feel and what you want since, as Simonson says, “these are the people who care about you the most and know you the best.” Then, have a clear conversation with your partner about whether your needs align. 

Change what you can on your side

“Wanting your partner to change is a wish, not a goal,” says Fullgrabe. She recommends focusing on your own actions. Take accountability by asking, “If nothing changed, could I still thrive here?”

Don’t follow an automated script — challenge it 

Fullgrabe warns that following unconscious patterns of what you think a “normal” relationship looks like can trap you in the same cycle: “If you’re only following your automated, mostly unconscious scripts of what you think constitutes a ‘normal’ relationship, chances are you’ll keep experiencing the same thing. She recommends you challenge these internal scripts—and encourage your partner to do the same.

As for the big should-I-stay-or-should-I-go decision, we’ll leave the final word to someone who’s lived it. “You’re not crazy. Leave them before you regret it, leave so your future self thanks you, leave so you can give yourself a peaceful life, and find the gentle, endless love you deserve,” Samantha says. “Starting over alone is terrifying, but staying in a relationship that offers you nothing is wasting away your one beautiful chance at fully living life. For once, give your love to yourself.”