Are you an INFJ in a One-sided Friendship?

INFJs are known for their depth of caring in relationships and there isn’t much they won’t do for you if they decide to be your friend. They have the fortitude and ability to be in the emotional trenches with a friend in need, and will provide the kind of support that comes from their innate superpower—deep empathy. This gift of empathy is responsible for the kind of all-encompassing giving INFJs bring to their friendships.

But what happens when the INFJs care isn’t reciprocated, and those friends are unable or unwilling to give back to us what we give to them? 

The INFJ’s Unique Offering

Before we answer this question, let’s talk about the kind of investment the INFJ makes in their friendships.

When I say that we get into the emotional trenches with our friends, it’s because we take on their emotional battles, right alongside them and on their front lines. We are not just combat support units waiting in the safety of the sidelines. We are more like battlefield medics who risk our own well-being for our friends who are wounded and need assistance. This is some bad-ass INFJ superhero kind of stuff, even if many people don’t recognize it as such. And no, I am not being overly dramatic.

This is the natural state of the INFJ, and they do it as an automatic response to someone they care about who is in need. They do it not because they think they should, but because it’s who they are.

The INFJ Gift of Empathy

The type of empathy the INFJ possesses is as rare as we are, and this is not because other types lack empathy. It’s because our capacity for empathy is the product of our dominant and auxiliary functions which, together, provide this innate gift to understand and feel what others feel.

Here’s the breakdown:

Introverted Intuition (Ni)

Introverted Intuition is the INFJ’s dominant (favorite) function. It is where we live and who we are at our core—you can think of it as the captain of our ship. With Ni at the wheel, we are able to intuit with uncanny clarity what others are experiencing. We can understand them and reflect back to them in a way that makes them feel seen and heard. This is called cognitive empathy.  

Extraverted Feeling (Fe)

Extraverted Feeling is our auxiliary (second favorite) function. It is the balancing energy for Ni, like the first mate to the captain of our ship. Fe comes alongside Ni and causes us to feel the emotions of others, in a visceral way, as if they were our own. This happens after we have understood those emotions intellectually so that we fully relate, and it is called emotional empathy.

The combination of cognitive and emotional empathy gives INFJs a comprehensive grasp on the experience, mental state and emotions of others. This is how we get those mysterious labels like “psychic” and “sage.” Add to this our natural inclination for helping, and we graduate to the third form of empathy, which is compassionate empathy. Compassionate empathy is a desire to alleviate the suffering of others. It’s what causes us to go straight to the side of a friend in need. 

It is rare to possess all three forms of empathy, in abundance. But INFJs often do, and we can’t be otherwise.

But here’s the big question—does this mean we should expect to get back exactly what empathy we give, from every friend? Does a friend need to also possess a similar empathy superpower and return it proportionally?

Well, that would be nice, but let’s look at three reasons why this expectation will disappoint you.

1. The INFJ’s gift is rare

INFJs are the rarest personality type, comprising just 1-2% of the population. Naturally, this means that our amazing gift of compassionate empathy, done INFJ style, is also rare. It’s unlikely that you will find many who have it, let alone develop a close friendship with them, in your lifetime. I live in a 55 plus community of 1,350 residents and the statistics say there are likely no more than 27 INFJs among all of my neighbors. Now add to that the problem of finding them. I can’t just send up a flare with a note “calling all INFJs, will you be my friend?”

2. Other types have different gifts

You may not get the battlefield medic who will be at your side through a divorce, but you might have someone who brings you lasagna because you are feeling low and forgot to go grocery shopping, or someone who will watch your kids for you while you get out of the house for a few minutes. Ground your expectations in the reality that everyone is different and let a good friend be good enough.

I had a friend that would cry on my shoulder and I was happy to support her the way that I do, as an INFJ. But when I needed a listening ear, I got instead a long list of “fix it” items she wanted to help me with. Of course, this was not what I wanted. I needed what I gave to her—deep listening and understanding. But that was not her gift. She was a Sensor and a Thinker, a doer, and she showed me love by offering the help that she knew how to give. Expecting her to listen to me as deeply as I listen would frustrate her and, in the end, disappoint me.

3. You will miss out on human diversity

The 16-type personality system teaches us that there is a wonderfully colorful rainbow of human diversity in the way we interact with our environment and with people. But sometimes, we tend to think that what we offer is the best, and sometimes the only, valuable way of giving. But if you study type theory long enough, you learn that all people and every type has an important contribution to make. Having friends with diverse personalities will add a richness to your life, especially if you understand what you can expect from each one of them.

The Truly One-sided Friendship

Even when we are more flexible and realistic about what we should expect from our friendships, the underdeveloped INFJ often finds themselves in truly one-sided friendships in which they give more than they receive. If you suspect you are putting in all the work and not getting much back, ask yourself these questions:

1) What does my gut tell me when I’m with them?

INFJs have the ability to intuit the authenticity of another. If you are feeling undervalued or other negative emotions around your friend, trust your gut. You deserve to have nothing less than sincere, supportive friendships.

2) What’s my energy level after I’m with them?

As INFJs, we have a particularly hard time when we realize that we have been doing all the giving, and this is because the kind of giving we do is exhausting.  If you feel tired after every visit with your friend, and rarely feel uplifted by your time together, something is wrong.

3) Do all our conversations seem to focus on them?

When you talk with your friend, is it usually all about them? You will know whether the pattern you detect is a consistent one. Your Introverted Intuition is a reliable compass and will point it out to you.

4) Do they share their deeper feelings with me?

Not everyone is adept at analyzing, processing and expressing emotions, but your friend should be able to open up to you about their joys and hurts so that you can see them. Without this level of sharing, the disconnect will be too great for the INFJ.

5) Can I count on them?

Even if your friend can’t show up with profound listening skills in your time of need, they can still show up with love, movie tickets and a warm hug. Sometimes, this is just what the doctor ordered.

6) Can I trust them with my secrets?

Privacy is very important for INFJs and if you feel you can’t trust your friend to keep your confidence, this is a deal breaker. No matter what they give you in terms of support, if you learn that they won’t respect your privacy, the friendship is likely to be hurtful to you.

Make a Decision

If you don’t like the answers to some of these questions, it’s time to put your own mental health first. Most of your friendships will not ascend to the heights of a soul connection, but that doesn’t mean you should ever settle for one-sided friendships. If your friend is not appreciating you in their own type-specific way, it’s time to redirect your energy towards others who care about you and give back.

Planet Earth needs you the way Gotham City needs Batman. You are a rare soul with rare gifts, and we need many more INFJs to understand what they bring to the table and gain the confidence in themselves to bring it. You are equipped like no other to help those who are in the dark and hurting. Don’t waste your superpowers on those who take your energy away from you, or from those who will benefit from it.