INFJs who venture onto social media are used to seeing memes that portray us as gurus, mystics and prophets. They often have some version of an image where one strong, capable person helps a weaker, less capable person...and guess which one is the INFJ? I came across one the other day that read, “I wanted to swim in the deep end of the pool with my friend but had to help them to the shallow end instead.” In the comment section was a flurry of INFJ agreement, and the usual wave of lament over the inability of the average person to match our depth. And if I’m honest, to this day I sometimes find in myself the same kind of judgment.
Now, I don’t like the savior complex these memes all seem to display, where we view everyone else as helpless projects rather than equals. And I’m not fond of the alienation angle either, you know, the one that says INFJs are inherently superior, wise entities looking down on a chaotic world, which ultimately breeds isolation and resentment from other types. But I have learned a few things in my golden years about where these motifs may come from.
One is that INFJs are some of the most amazing and gifted humans to have ever walked the earth, and we are built to improve the world, even save it. We relentlessly embrace authenticity, kindness and loyalty, and we struggle to understand when we don’t see these values embraced by others.
But we can be prone to arrogance. The question is, is it always our fault?
Arrogant, or Misunderstood?
I will answer that question boldly because, no it’s not always our fault. Most of the time we are misunderstood and unfairly judged. We’re usually quite young when we first realize that we are different from those around us and don’t fit the mold society has designated as “normal.” This can negatively affect how we see ourselves.
Fast forward to the day we discover we are INFJs. The universe suddenly unfolds and we see, maybe for the first time, that we are exactly who we are supposed to be, with gifts and aspirations that equip us to change the world. We are gripped by something that reaches deep into our psyche, and our soul is filled with the peace of self-acceptance, and even self-love. We finally understand that we have been rejected not because something was wrong with us, but because of what was right about us.
Let’s dig into three INFJ needs that give the false impression of arrogance and talk about why we sometimes rub people the wrong way when we are just being ourselves.
1. Our need for depth
It’s widely known that INFJs hate small talk. We crave meaning and want to talk about deeper subjects. When surface-level conversations pop up our eyes glaze over and our body language betrays our lack of interest. And when it’s clear to another type that we are not interested in what they are saying, it translates into arrogance. Without meaning to, we are communicating that their thoughts and feelings are not important.
They don’t know that we are thinking and feeling in multiple dimensions as they are telling us about their new dress from Neiman Marcus, and we mentally check out. The truth is, there’s nothing wrong with being excited about a new outfit! But the INFJ, without meaning to, can give an impression of quiet condescension palpable enough to send the message, “Let’s talk about something that really matters.”
2. Our need for authenticity
In our need for authenticity, we sometimes communicate directly and as a matter of fact because we want our listener to know exactly what we think and how we feel. We want our communication to be completely honest, otherwise, we think, what’s the point of communicating at all? In fact, the more mature we become, the more this happens as we grow out of our people-pleasing mode and become more centered and comfortable within ourselves.
This can come across as arrogance, and sound like we are asserting our opinion as the only valid view. To make things worse, we can sometimes overexplain our position because in the moment we fear that our deeply felt convictions will not be understood. But verbal communication is sometimes hard for the INFJ, and the words don’t always come. And if we force a try, our expressions might be too abstract and mystify our listener. They can’t relate and decide we are full of ourselves.
3. Our need to reflect
INFJs value fully baked ideas and will spend whatever time it takes for them to develop. Whether you believe the process is supernatural or just a cognitive function easily understood and explained, it does seem to take on a life of its own. We don’t control the process—it comes to us the moment a full picture has emerged and been downloaded, all at once, into our psyche. We can’t rush this. We need patience from others and space for ourselves because we do this privately.
But during a conversation others can experience this as a sudden, snobby withdrawal and may interpret the message as “what you are saying is not worth my time.” Also the INFJ stare that can go along with it makes us look detached, but often the opposite is true. We are disengaging just a bit to give your point of view genuine, deep consideration, and we are just not built for doing this on the surface.
Key Signs of Condescension in an INFJ
Now we must talk about what it is about us that appears arrogant because, well, it is arrogant.
Explaining our clear vision and ‘self-evident’ truths
When we trust our own insight, it often comes with a visceral reaction that seals the deal. We are certain we have the answer. But the way we experience it feels like clarity, not emotion. As INFJs we project patterns into the future and can accurately predict outcomes. We know stuff. And we don’t have to apologize for that.
But others don’t know that we know. Others ask, “how could she possibly know that instantly and be so certain about it?” They aren’t aware of how our brains produce insights in a micro-second, and we often can’t explain it. The process is not seen outwardly except as a self-assured, know-it-all disposition.
Our arrogance comes in when we don’t check our insights against logic for confirmation and hold too tightly to our views. It makes sense that others would see us as condescending as we dig into our beliefs. So, loosen your grip on what you believe to be right, smart or evolved and allow the views of others some time for consideration.
Our maternalistic empathy vibe
When we see the pain of others we want to make it stop, as if we were feeling the pain ourselves, because we are! But in our attempt to make a situation better for someone else, we can sometimes be too “mothering.” We want to help, but by helping too much we take away the autonomy and self-respect of someone who didn’t ask for our help.
Often people seek the advice of INFJs because we are known for our listening skills, and we genuinely want to help others. But the INFJ “savior complex” is a real thing, and it doesn’t save anyone, it devalues them. It sends the message that they are not capable of making decisions or caring for themselves, so the INFJ superhero must swoop in to save the day. This kind of patronization is not only arrogant, but it’s a really bad look, my INFJ friends, and it ultimately comes from a place of insecurity.
So while we may have good intentions initially, a self-serving act rooted in ego can be disguised as “helping” and we can make someone feel beneath us.
The preachy moralizing
You may know that INFJs make up a mere 1.5% of the population, and meeting other INFJs is a rare occurrence indeed. This alone can explain why we often, especially when we are young, feel out of place and misunderstood. And given the empathy we have for others, it’s unbearable for us to witness human cruelty and injustice, as we had to endure being criticized for simply being who we are.
So we hold ourselves and everyone else to high moral standards. We then use this as a metric to judge others and what is in many ways a noble effort to protect the underdog becomes self-righteousness.
This is a tricky one to identify in ourselves because who can argue with fighting racism or feeding the homeless? The problem doesn’t lie in the ideals themselves but how the INFJ uses them to condescend to others. And the dismissive, icy disdain of the INFJ can pose as a virtuous pursuit of justice when in reality others are belittled by our moral superiority complex.
Our unsolicited insight
Because we can spot subconscious patterns in others without even knowing how, INFJs can detect human motives. We can read people and we’re good at it. But not everyone wants to be read. So, unless they’ve asked for this kind of information, voicing these insights out loud can be a serious breach of someone’s boundaries.
At first we mean to be helpful. We think we can help someone “grow” by pointing out what they are missing in themselves. But this kind of intrusion presumes to say “I know you better than you know yourself,” and this is an arrogant overstep unless someone has asked you to share your observations.
It can be very uncomfortable for someone who is not ready to see themselves clearly, plus, you could be wrong! It’s like settling down in your living room to read a good book and you are startled by a peeping Tom peering in at you through the window! You are not the all-knowing seer of someone else’s inner world.
Remember You’re Special, Not Superior
So, before we decide that all the memes and fanfare about our “otherworldly insights” and “mystical abilities” are all true, and we embrace the idea that we are more evolved, a cut above other types, enlightened and “too beautiful” for this world, let’s take it down a notch. In my opinion, INFJs are superheroes, but we don’t have to let it go to our heads, and we don’t have to belittle others to affirm that we have special gifts that are badly needed in the world today. Our nature is not superior to other types who also contribute to society just like we do, but in different ways.
