Advice I'd Give Myself as a Younger INFJ (Written By An Older INFJ)

When I was a young woman, I learned of the Myers and Briggs assessment and found out I was an INFJ, the rarest personality type in the 16 type system.  Counselor, Psychic, Sage and other descriptors of this mysterious type filled me with awe. Suddenly, I felt seen and understood in a way that was completely foreign to me—you mean, there’s nothing wrong with me? There are other people out there like me? The things about me that others see as defective, are actually natural gifts?

I was stunned and relieved to put it mildly. I could now regard myself as a counselor, sage or even a psychic who approaches the border of the “other worldly.” Soon, I was basking in this new identity that set me apart from others but, this time, in a good way. 

When the Honeymoon Ended

As I read INFJ descriptions, anecdotes and snippets on the early web that made me feel special, I found myself in a cocoon. A surface treatment of the INFJ personality sang only praises. While I was finally validated for being myself, I still had this unease about the world and others. Why did I still feel disconnected? Why did I still "see" people and sense their energy, as Intuitives do, but not really understand and appreciate them?

The love affair I had with my "sage-psychic-counselor" designation soon became a mixed emotional bag. As the honeymoon period ended, I was left with the realization that I was like everyone else—human—with flaws, selfish tendencies, fears and weaknesses, and the questions looming over me as a young woman were not being answered.

I eventually set in motion a genuine mission of self-discovery, and mustered the courage to dig deeper into type dynamics—the good, the bad, and the ugly. I realized that staying on the surface with type theory is like going to a pie shop and only bringing home the crust.

That was about 25 years ago. If I could go back in time to offer guidance to that young, naive INFJ, I would have a mountain of advice that can be summed up with five words: dig deeper to find balance.

How Does the INFJ Find Balance and Mature?

We do this by taking a deep dive into our cognitive function stack, which is the order of preferences you use from your most favored to your least favored. If I could time travel, I would go back and encourage that young INFJ to research the cognitive functions and do these four things:

#1: Understand your need for Introverted Intuition

INFJs are defined by a need to self-discover, endlessly searching for the answers that will bring them the meaning and purpose they constantly crave. This is because our dominant function is Introverted Intuition (Ni). We spend most of our time here, mulling over abstract ideas, asking the big questions of the universe, and seeking, endlessly seeking, the elusive answers.

I did this by turning inward toward my own soul, which I saw (although I didn’t have words for it at the time) as an extension of all that exists. I saw everything in existence as connected.

I fought this part of myself wondering, is this just complicated, flowery, grandiose rhetoric that only makes sense in my own mind? Possibly, I would tell myself.  And it made me feel crazy because I had not yet discovered the dynamics of my function stack which explained my need to spend most of my time in that rich, spiritual well that was my own psyche.  

I didn’t know that Introverted Intuition was at the core of my being, and this was as natural to me as breathing. I didn’t know that INFJs discover the universe by discovering themselves. 

If I could go back and tell that young INFJ to honor her need to freely explore every nook and cranny of her inner world, and let go of that self-doubt, I would.

#2: Balance your Introverted Intuition with your Extraverted Feeling

If that wasn’t heavy enough, I was plagued by the inner conflict I felt from caring so deeply about others and, at the same time, needing space from them. I didn’t know about my second favorite function, Extraverted Feeling (Fe), which caused me to crave deeper connections and friendships, and put me at odds with my need to happily traverse my own imagination. 

How could I stay in my inner world and leave those I loved behind? I knew myself to be a friend who could descend into the trenches to be fully present with someone who was in pain, because I related on a visceral level. Not everyone could do that. But still, I spent more time in my inner world of ideas than I did socializing, and this created a painful conflict.

This contradiction confused me. I wish I had known that, as an Extraverted Feeler, I simply loved people, and as an Introverted Intuitive, I longed for the wonder of my own mind.  I could be both. In fact, I needed to be both because, for an INFJ it’s imperative that both these functions are honored and balanced.  

In other words, we need to come out of our head to connect with others, and when others drain us, we need a safe retreat. The blueprint for growth is in realizing that these two functions are not contradictory; they complete each other. But I didn’t know this when I was younger because all I knew at the time was how cool it was to be an INFJ. 

#3: Beware of the Ni-Ti loop

Before I understood my function stack, I was often the victim of the evil Ni-Ti loop, a dysfunctional way to process information. It happens when the INFJ gets caught up between their Introverted Intuition (Ni) and their Introverted Thinking (Ti), our third favorite function, and bypasses their Extraverted Feeling function. 

The Ni-Ti loop can put INFJs in an unhealthy, overly inward focus that is isolating and makes them extremely critical of themselves and others. 

As that young INFJ, I was still enamored with the deeply-caring-spiritual-sage identity I clung to. I was unaware of this cold and withdrawn part of my personality, and it shocked me.  This loop starts with a deep dive into Ni, which I was used to—but what I didn’t understand was how I could shut out the whole world for long periods to overanalyze my insights, and to check, over and over again, whether they made sense. 

It looked something like this: I would arrive at work excited about a new idea for an educational program. It’s good, really good, I would think. It will be well-received by everyone, and it will help people!  But wait, have I gone over the details enough, and considered costs? Does it make sense to implement it now, rather than later?  But we need it now because it will help people learn about important ideas, and that’s a priority...but is it logical to present it to my boss while we are short on staff? 

Heavy sigh.  Maybe my idea wasn’t good after all.

So I would leave Fe in the rear-view mirror and then have no access to the outside world or to people, and that was a problem. I didn’t know that, had I engaged my Fe, I would have reached out to other people for feedback, instead of going round and round in my head and getting further away from what was really going on with those around me.

#4: Make friends with your nemesis, Extraverted Sensing

I once heard an INFJ say that he forgot to brush his teeth for three days because he was down the Ni rabbit hole with a new project, and I believed him. I myself have forgotten to eat while immersed in some creative process.  This is because our least favorite function is Extraverted Sensing (Se). We naturally want to spend little time in the outside world of reality, concrete facts and present-moment awareness. 

As a young woman new to personality theory, I was constantly pushing away Se in favor of Ni, saying to myself "that's just my personality." But the world did not allow this because I lived on planet earth and, at some point, I had to place both feet upon it. I'm not saying an INFJ should become a Sensor, but we must find balance between Sensing and Intuition because we do live in a physical world that we can't ignore.  

It would have been helpful to know that I had an arch enemy, my Se, and I needed to make friends with it. All I had to do was practice engaging my five senses in the present moment. But this is hard for the INFJ, who prefers to be exploring their inner world and seldom wants to come up, even for air. I didn’t leave my Ni long enough to interact with and appreciate the real world around me, and I paid a price in my relationships and mental health. 

Final Thoughts

So, fellow INFJs, if you are new to these insights, take them seriously.  I know I don't have to twist your arm to dig deeper into your INFJ personality.  You already love a deep dive.  You just need to know where to start, and the best place is your function stack. Honestly, I have countless memories of struggling to understand myself and my path to happiness. These four bits of advice would have saved me a lot of trouble and heart ache.