7 Things You Argue About When Your Love Styles Clash
When it comes to love, opposites can definitely attract — but they can also collide. If you've ever found yourself in a relationship where you and your partner seem to argue about the same things over and over (and over), there’s a good chance you're experiencing a clash of Love Styles. Because each of us has a unique way of giving and receiving love (a.k.a your Love Style), things can get tricky when the person you’re with isn’t on the same page.
When your Love Styles don’t align, even minor, repetitive disagreements can create some wear and tear. The good news is that once you and your partner understand each other’s Love Styles and communicate them (or at least, try to), these arguments can become less frequent. Here are some arguments you might identify with, with some insight into what's going on.
1. How Much Time You Spend Together
You want to spend time with your partner, but they want more space. You try to find fun activities to do together, but your partner seems more content playing video games, journaling or keeping to themselves after work (and sometimes on weekends). The lack of quality time often leads to arguments, and your partner seems clueless about why they can’t just go on business as usual.
Why it happens: If this sounds like your relationship, you may have an Activity Love Style. People with the Activity want quality time and to do their hobbies and special activities with their partner. In fact, they need this level of togetherness to feel valued. When time together isn’t a priority, you feel underappreciated and disconnected. Your partner may not understand your need to spend time this way, as they show their love differently and yearn for more independence than you do.
2. Who Does the Dishes, Laundry or Cleanup
You might be getting into an ongoing argument about your partner helping out around the house. For example, you come home from a stressful day at work and, to help your partner out, immediately start folding their laundry. After doing this, you see a pile of dirty dishes in the sink and become enraged since you asked for help with those yesterday.
Why it happens: When ongoing arguments about household chores occur, it’s less about the chores and more about the act of offering everyday help. That’s because you have a Practical love style, and you feel special when your partner pitches in with acts of service to make life a bit easier, especially when they go out of their way to do things unexpectedly to please you (it could even be feeding your pets and cooking dinner after a long day at work!). If your partner rarely does anything to lighten your burden (and you consistently do it for them), you may feel the relationship is one-sided.
3. Lack of Physical Touch or Affection
Your significant other complains that there isn’t enough touch, cuddling or physical gestures of affection in your relationship. They argue that they feel increasingly hurt and disconnected because you aren’t very touchy, and you rarely hold hands or express affection with a simple touch on the arm, leg or back.
Why it happens: If one of you prioritizes touch and affection for giving and receiving love, one of you has a Physical Love Style. The Physical person feels supported by receiving physical touch, so they feel let down and unseen when the relationship lacks simple things like hand-holding, snuggling and foot rubs. The other partner expresses love differently, so they don’t often go out of their way to physically show their care and don’t see a problem. They argue that their lack of physicality doesn’t mean a lack of love.
4. When Someone Storms Off During an Argument
Whatever the subject of the argument, it always seems to end with your partner walking away, feeling overwhelmed by the intense discussion. You feel like they’re abandoning you and leaving you with uncomfortable emotions rather than trying to support you. Why don't they finish the discussion or hold you so you can feel safe?
Why it happens: If this sounds familiar, you probably have an Emotional Love Style and your partner doesn’t. This Love Style means you want to feel emotionally supported (even after a tough argument), so when your partner doesn’t do this, it can leave you feeling abandoned, unappreciated and unloved. During any relationship or life challenge, you crave a feeling of emotional support through kind words, time spent together and a compassionate hug. Your partner, on the other hand, doesn’t understand why you’d comfort each other during or after an argument, and they choose to withdraw instead.
5. When Conversations Feel Shallow
You crave talking about important issues and waxing poetic about deep topics, but your partner doesn’t seem interested in engaging in these conversations. You often feel dismissed and disconnected because your attempts to share ideas fall flat. Your partner is indifferent and quickly changes the subject to a lighter topic, leading to an argument about why they never engage with you in intellectual debates or value your opinions.
Why it happens: What’s happening here is you have an Intellectual Love Style, and your significant other does not. You feel most loved when your partner expresses their appreciation for your opinions and intelligence, and you want them to engage in deep, important conversations. You want a meeting of the minds; to feel like you are playing an intellectual tennis match (or a friendly, non-competitive game where everyone wins). Unfortunately, because your partner doesn’t have this Love Style, they don’t understand why intellectual debates and serious topics need to happen frequently, and they may even feel exhausted by your thirst for them.
6. You Never Get Compliments or Kind Words
It happened again—you and your partner are arguing because you said you don’t feel appreciated. They don’t compliment you, praise your achievements or tell you how much they value you. They say that they shouldn’t have to compliment you, tell you “good job” or say they’re proud of you—that you should just know that’s how they feel, whether they express it or not.
Why it happens: You likely have an Appreciation Love Style, meaning you feel valued, special and loved when your partner offers kind words, affirmation, praise and compliments. In your ideal situation, your partner would verbally express how much you mean to them, how proud they are of you and how much they respect your triumphs and unique qualities. Instead, your partner has a different Love Style, and they don’t understand why verbally expressing these things is so important to you, leading to frequent disagreements.
7. Your Partner Never Surprises With Gifts
You and your partner argue about money or gifts, but it isn’t because you have your hand out. You feel appreciated and loved when your partner is generous with money, whether by occasionally surprising you with a gift (like something you mentioned you were thinking about buying) or offering financial support in other ways. They complain that money and material items aren’t love, and you shouldn’t expect either from them.
Why it happens: If you have this problem, you probably have a Financial love style, which isn’t all about receiving gifts. You feel loved when your partner thinks of buying you small tokens of their affection or is thoughtful about sharing financial resources. Gifts are lovely, but you also like it when a partner is open with financial planning, creating savings strategies and assisting you with bills or living expenses to show how much they care. It could even be as simple as treating you to a nice dinner, rather than asking you to go halvesies. Your partner, on the other hand, doesn’t see money or material items as necessary in a relationship. They may feel pressured to provide when they don’t see this as a way of expressing love.
How To Overcome a Love Styles Clash in Your Relationship
Overcoming a clash in Love Styles isn’t about changing who you are—it’s about understanding where your partner is coming from and learning how to meet in the middle. That little word called compromise can go a long way. Most importantly, you both want and deserve empathy, understanding and respect, which requires you both to recognize that your ongoing arguments have a root in your differing emotional needs. Doing so may make it easier to respond with patience and empathy.
Instead of responding with frustration or anger, try communicating your Love Styles, needs and desires together to open the door to healing and growth. If you haven't identified your Love Styles yet, you should both take a free Love Styles test and discuss ways to foster a greater connection. You may even try creating a bucket list for both your Love Styles, so you both feel supported and seen.
You’ll both need to be more flexible and patient, but if you put in the work, you can have a supportive, successful relationship despite your mismatched Love Styles. And end those arguments for good.
