5 Subtle Signs You're Pretending to be Someone You’re Not

We’ve all heard about imposter syndrome: the experience of feeling like a fake or phony at work despite the successes you may have achieved. But there’s another way you could feel like an imposter in your own life, without even knowing it. 

We’re talking about not being your authentic self and trying to act like someone you’re not.

You could be doing this deliberately or subconsciously, and for various reasons. Maybe you don’t think your personality traits are a good fit for the job you have, so you work hard to act like the type of person you think you’re expected to be to succeed in your chosen profession. Or maybe you’ve taken a personality test and don’t love the results.  There’s another type you’ve always aspired to be like, or there’s just nothing special standing out in your results so you try to emulate others who have something you think you should also possess.

Maybe you think your type isn’t fun enough, or is less likely to be taken seriously, or just doesn’t fit with how you want to see yourself. A simple example would be if you’re a diehard introvert but you feel like you have to “act extraverted” to be a success at your job or fit in with the people around you.

Whatever the reason for your pretending, it’s important to recognize when you’re doing it and work on being more in tune with your authentic self. 

Signs You're Pretending to be Someone You’re Not

1. You come home exhausted

We all feel tired after a hard day at work, but if you consistently feel completely spent at the end of the day, something’s not quite right. You might think it’s normal stress, or you're not taking care of your health, but maybe something else is going on.

When you’re constantly swimming upstream, acting against your natural personality traits or at least trying to convince everyone around you that you’re who you want them to think you are, everything you do and say will take more effort and energy. 

It’s like when you have company and work hard to be the perfect host, and then slump onto the sofa in relief when your guests leave. But in this case, it’s more than just being on your best behavior for a few hours. You're constantly on guard and trying to stay in character throughout the entire day. Talk about hard work.

2. You’re afraid to let your guard down 

Do you feel like you have to be constantly vigilant, always afraid you might say or do the wrong thing? Whether you realize what you’re doing or not, you’re putting on an act and living with fear that you’ll blow your own cover. 

Wouldn’t it be a lot easier to just be yourself, instead of constantly looking over your shoulder to make sure you don’t get “caught”? 

If you’re worried about your popularity in your friend circle, then you probably need to choose better friends who value you as you are. And if it’s a matter of trying to prove yourself at work, hopefully the work you do will speak for itself over time. Keep a record of your successes and accomplishments, so you can take comfort in knowing that your hard work is paying off instead of worrying about constantly having to prove yourself.

3. You're constantly looking for outward signs of approval

If you’re trying to fit in with an environment that doesn’t seem friendly to your real personality, whether that’s the workplace, a social group or even your own family, you’ll probably be constantly watching to see how people react to you, hoping you somehow “got it right.” 

While it never hurts to assess our behavior and always be open to growth or improvement, you shouldn’t be afraid to be your real self, and that includes trusting yourself – your instincts, inclinations and personal style. If your own thoughts and feelings are the last you consult for how to live your life, you really are pretending to be someone you’re not.

4. You deliberately go against your inclination

If you want to be, or be perceived, differently than the way you really are, you likely second guess yourself to the point that if something feels right or natural, you do the opposite. You make a conscious effort to make sure you don’t come across as a Feeler or a Perceiver on the 16-type system, or an Enneagram 4, or whatever it is you are but don’t want to be. 

If you always hesitate before speaking in order to change your response from what first pops into your mind, you’re likely not being true to yourself. This isn’t about thinking before you speak to avoid a hasty or uninformed decision or a tactless comment, but a deliberate effort to put a spin on how you come across. 

5. The word “should” appears frequently in your self-talk

I should act more outgoing and put myself out there more. I should show my boss I really am good with numbers and playing by the rules. I shouldn’t let anyone know I write poetry, or play the violin or love science trivia. I shouldn’t think this way, or feel this way, or say that. I should speak louder or quieter or sound smarter, or not so smart. It could go on and on.

If everything about your authentic, private self seems like the wrong thing to be or do, then pretending has become habitual, and who you are feels like what you shouldn’t be.

Why Pretending is a Bad Idea

While we all may have to occasionally modify our natural behavior at work or in other situations, habitually trying to present yourself as something you’re not is likely not worth the effort. Here are a few reasons why it’s really not a good idea.

• It's stressful and tiring. You probably can’t keep this up forever, and you certainly won’t have the energy to live your dreams if you’re working this hard all the time just to seem like someone you're not. 
• You’re not likely to be happy not being yourself.
• It’s terrible for your self-esteem. Constantly trying to be someone you’re not makes you feel like there’s something wrong with the way you actually are.
• You’re depriving the world, the people around you and yourself of the unique gifts only you have to offer.
• It won't really work. At best, you'll pass yourself off as a second rate copy of who you think you should be instead of shining as the authentic original you could be.

Some Things to Try Instead

Take a personality test (again)

If you’re trying to act against your personality type, you’ve likely already taken a test and know your type. But taking it again can confirm your results, help you reconnect with your true self, and remind you of the positive side of your personality type.

To get an even broader view, you might want to select two or three different personality systems to test in, to see a wider range of your strengths and inclinations, and how you can use them to your advantage.

Focus on the positives

Now that you’ve reconnected with your unique personality and all the good things that come with it, remind yourself of the positives you can feel good about. And if necessary, point them out to key people at work and in your personal life. That way, others will see what you bring to the table that other personality types (including those you’ve been trying to be like) may not.

Re-think your choices if necessary

While you don’t necessarily have to change careers or who you spend time with just to be true to who you are, you may find that a different kind of job or work environment would be a better fit for you, or that you need to be more selective about choosing friends who value you as you are. Test the waters by taking baby steps towards being yourself. Start with small things like sharing your hobbies or interests, or expressing your opinions and feelings in a respectful way. See how people react – you may be pleasantly surprised that they appreciate these aspects of your personality that you've been hiding. If not, then you’ll know it’s time to move on.